Dear Abby: What do I do if I suspect my professor may be a member of antifa?

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DEAR ABBY: I’ve recently come to believe that one of my professors is a member of the domestic terrorist organization known as antifa. The signs were subtle at first. Sometimes I would notice him drinking coffee out of a mug with Donald Trump shaped like a poop emoji or catch him expressing support for “Black Lives Matter” during a lecture. Sure, these displays made me uncomfortable, but I wasn’t too concerned.

Recently, however, my professor made his association with the organization obvious — an “Antifa Employee of the Month” plaque was spotted in the background of our Zoom class two days ago.

I’m in a tough situation here. I used to really admire this professor, but I feel like I have a moral obligation to speak up. Who do I go to if someone I look up to may be a member of antifa? Do you know of any good resources? Thanks!

— NOT SCR

DEAR NOT SCR: Let me start out by acknowledging the pain and confusion you must be feeling. Watching someone you respect lose their way is hard to come to terms with — but you are absolutely right. I’ve seen the signs before, and you must put a stop to this before it gets any worse.

I recommend setting up a one-to-one meeting with him. Ask him about the plaque, and get him to confess his employment with antifa. If this proves to be challenging, then it’s time to turn to outside help. The Hoover Institution has some great resources, including a whole team dedicated to re-educating radical faculty.

If all else fails, kill them.

Hope this helps!

— ABBY

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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Patrick Monreal '22 was the satire editor for Vol. 256, but still continues to contribute to both satire and news in Vol. 257. A native of Fresno, California, he is majoring in Earth Systems on the oceans track and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at pmonreal 'at' stanford.edu.