New study finds vaccine designed to protect against disease may actually protect against disease

May 18, 2020, 8:17 p.m.

A new study published by the Literal Authority on Diseases has found that a vaccine developed to fight off disease might actually fight off that disease, shocking suburban moms and medical dabblers across the nation.

“It seems that those years and years of research, trials and testing that were put into making this vaccine were, in fact, real,” said study lead Dr. Doug Hibbenschwan. “Our project proves that this proven medical drug may have proven medical benefit — with some statistical uncertainty, of course.”

Hibbenschwan recommends people get the vaccine but also stated that he recognizes “vaccines aren’t for everyone.”

“You can say that again!” screamed Karen Willow, protesting in front of the Literal Authority on Diseases headquarters. “Until this vaccine is tried and tested by God Almighty himself, no deep-state government monkey will be injecting my son with their fishy elixirs.”

The Stop Mandatory Vaccination Facebook group expressed concern for “serious flaws” in how the study was conducted. According to one post, Hibbenschwan’s team did not sufficiently account for factors outside of the vaccine that could have cured patients, like praying.

Hibbenschwan dismissed such claims. Jenny McCarthy could not be reached for comment.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’

Patrick Monreal '22 is the forefather of the satire section. He still kind of hangs around meetings and pretends to contribute to news. A native of Fresno, California, he is majoring in Earth Systems on the oceans track and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at pmonreal 'at'

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