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Sheltering in place, in haikus

Satire by and

Inspired by a list of shelter-in-place haikus published by The New Yorker, we collected haikus from Stanford students that document — both amusingly and seriously — their experiences in quarantine. Please share one of your own with us here!

Social distancing.
Neighbors have their friends over???
SO-CIAL-DIS-TAN-CING??????
—Julia Gong ’21
 Refrigerator;
Once again, I return to
Refrigerator. 
—Dylan Grosz ’20
 We joke diplomas
Will be sent as PDFs.
I prefer jpeg.
—Eve La Puma ’20
 Quarantine day nine.
I’ve not had sex in three months.
Clearly COVID’s fault.
—Anonymous ’21
 "You shelter in place,"
My grandfather said to me.
"Or I'll kick your ass."
—Joe Dworetzky ’20 
 Oh look, an email.
Thank you Susie, very cool!
Please don’t touch my stuff.

Hold on, just kidding,
I still need my retainer.
It’s in Crothers, Thanks.
—Patrick Monreal ’22 
 Cucumbers in jars.
Decided to make pickles.
Now I wait a week.
—Eliana Fuchs ’23
 Got hit on today.
From less than six feet away.
Not interested.
—Jasmine Kerber ’20
 I learned morse code! dot-
dot-dot / dot-dash / dot-dot-dot-
dash / dot / dash-dash / dot.
—Chase Parker ’23
 Wikipedia
Page on slug anatomy.
How did I get here?
—Lana Tleimat ‘23 
 I’m falling in love.
Two thousand miles apart.
World ending magic.
—Anonymous ’22

Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’ stanford.edu and Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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Lana Tleimat '23 is Volume 257 Desk Editor of Satire. She is from Columbus, Ohio and not really studying anything. Contact her at ltleimat 'at' stanford.edu.
Patrick Monreal '22 was the satire editor for Vol. 256, but still continues to contribute to both satire and news in Vol. 257. A native of Fresno, California, he is majoring in Earth Systems on the oceans track and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at pmonreal 'at' stanford.edu.