A recent message from President Marc Tessier-Lavigne informed the Stanford community of the creation of “zones” on campus in preparation for the academic year. Inspired by Allied-occupied Germany, the zones of occupation define varying levels of access for community members.

The Occasionally was able to obtain preliminary plans for these zones, revealing a totally different scenario than MTL suggested last week. For example, the “Community Zone” encompassing Stanford Golf Course was originally planned to be the “Legacy Zone” — an area where access was determined by the amount of donations one’s family has given to Stanford.

Some zones were not that surprising, such as the “White Families Zone” over the Oval or the “Athlete Zone” containing Stanford Stadium. Other zones were a bit more mysterious, such as the large chunk of the map simply labeled “Don’t F****** Come Here” or the area encompassing Main Quad and many academic buildings titled “Twilight Zone.”

When asked about the Twilight Zone, MTL tried to brush it off, but then something came over him. He stiffened up, his eyes rolled to the back of his head and, without moving his lips, an inner voice demonically narrated: 

“There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone.”

It remains unclear why the University did not move forward with these original plans for the zones. Michel Foucault could not be reached for comment.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.