Skipping doctors, Stanford announces first round of vaccines to go to premed undergraduates enrolled in CHEM 33

“It’s all about investing in the future.”

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With the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines coming soon to theaters near you, there appears to be light at the end of the tunnel. However, instead of vaccinating frontline medical workers, Stanford Medicine has announced that it will be reserving the vaccines for premed students.

“Our plans ensure equitable distribution of the COVID-19 vaccine, while prioritizing immunity for the most important Stanford affiliates,” explained Dean of Stanford Medicine Lloyd Major during his own vaccine. “As such, the first batch will go to undergraduates enrolled in CHEM 33. Then, we will vaccinate CHEM 121 students, CHEM 141 and 143 students, the rest of the chemistry department, anyone with the last name Arrillaga, Persis Drell’s hamster, members of the Faculty Senate who voted against divestment and, finally, a few nurses and medical residents — in that order.”

According to a spokesperson, the decision was based on an algorithm that took into account various factors like exposure to patients, vulnerability to the virus, likeability, status in society and something Stanford Medicine described as “objective worth to us.” Premed students are the future doctors, thus it makes sense to ensure their safety first.

Despite being verified as “fair and unbiased” by the University of Farmington’s Computer Science Department, the base methodology of the algorithm faced blowback from members of the community.

“Basically, I entered the entire hospital into drawnames.com’s Secret Santa Generator, and then I found this neat little website with a random number generator called calculatorsoup.com,” said Major. “With the help of those two tools, it was pretty simple to choose who got the vaccine first. Oh, also, I just handpicked the first couple thousand names.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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Patrick Monreal '22 is the forefather of the satire section. He still kind of hangs around meetings and pretends to contribute to news. A native of Fresno, California, he is majoring in Earth Systems on the oceans track and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at pmonreal 'at' stanford.edu.