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5 cocktails to help you cope with the fact you’re not coming back in the winter

Satire by and

The University has announced its intention to bring back frosh and sophomores to campus winter quarter, but who are they kidding? The odds of that happening are as good as those for Provost Drell taking a stand against the Hoover Institution. As badly as we want to be hungover at Stern brunch again, we know a lot of things — like students just now getting their tests — have to line up perfectly for that to happen. With that in mind, here are five cocktails to help you cope with the fact that we’re probably not going back in the winter:

For legal reasons… don’t try any of these.

1. The “How Do I Fit All of Frosh Year Into One Drink” Special

Miss freshman year? Or maybe you’re longing for the frosh experience from your childhood bedroom. Either way, the beauty of this concoction is that it is made up of items you can find in any freshman dorm’s hallway.

  • 1 lukewarm Smirnoff Ice Signature Screwdriver
  • 3 seconds worth of Fireball (because you forgot a shot glass)
  • 1 subjective dash of Smirnoff Whipped Cream
  • Top with whatever handle Ernie’s gave you

2. Dirty Drell

The perfect drink to take shots of after being gaslighted by your university provost. Don’t take too many, however, right before Eurotrash.

  • 1 Naturday
  • 2 ghostwritten emails
  • 150 milliliters of support for the Hoover Institution
  • 0.00025 ounces of support for students

3. Stanford in Manhattan

Did you get waitlisted for Stanford in New York again? If you have a craving for just an ounce of certainty and stability during these unprecedented times, try this classic.

  • 2 ounces of stolen bourbon from Phi Psi
  • 1 ounce of sweet vermouth (miss you Ernie’s)
  • 2 dashes of Angostura bitters or whatever is leaking from the ceiling of your New York apartment
  • A cherry on top

4. Gin and Toxic Positivity

Tired of being told everything is going to be all right after failing three consecutive midterms? This drink is perfect to take after Ginny from down the hall tells you to think positive thoughts and that absolutely everything in life can be manifested with a scented candle and positive attitude.

  • 2 ounces of gin
  • 4 ounces of leftover La Croix from last weekend’s on-call
  • Glitter from Ginny’s “rally box”

5. COVID Cocktail

Cheers to eight months of quarantine — and many more! You can’t really drink this one, but hand sanitizer does have alcohol in it, right? 

  • 4 ounces of hand sanitizer
  • The word “unprecedented” (for garnish)
  • 1 roll of stockpiled toilet paper
  • 2 ounces of your own tears (salt adds taste)
  • Hours of scrolling Instagram, Twitter, TikTok or Unrelated Noun

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu and Richard Coca at richcoca ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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Patrick Monreal '22 is the forefather of the satire section. He still kind of hangs around meetings and pretends to contribute to news. A native of Fresno, California, he is majoring in Earth Systems on the oceans track and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at pmonreal 'at' stanford.edu.
Richard Coca '22 is one of the managing editors of The Grind for volume 258, having previously served as managing editor of Satire, and CLIP Co-chair before that. He is majoring in Human Biology and minoring in Anthropology. Contact him at richcoca 'at' stanford.edu.