After 49 years, man finally has enough daylight saved up

March 16, 2021, 8:53 p.m.

Celebrating his 49th “spring forward” for daylight savings time, Sen. Marco Rubio announced last week that he finally has enough daylight saved up. As such, he introduced new legislation ending the antiquated practice. 

“It’s crazy, they don’t tell you what you’re actually saving all this daylight for,” said Rubio in a press conference, adjusting his G-SHOCK Master of G “GRAVITYMASTER” wrist watch. “And now that I’ve done it for half a century, I think I have enough daylight in the bank to last me through any daylight shortages that lie ahead.”

Rubio’s Sunshine Protection Act, a bill granting him the official title of “Wizard of Time”, would also effectively end the need to drive to your mother-in-law’s house to manually reset all her clocks.

“I just don’t see how daylight savings time benefits the American worker,” Rubio said, having spoken to undoubtedly a lot of American workers. “It’s just like paid time off or sick leave — it doesn’t make sense for workers to have it.”

The state of Arizona and its lack of observance of daylight savings time could not be reached for comment.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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Patrick Monreal '22 is the forefather of the satire section. He still kind of hangs around meetings and pretends to contribute to news. A native of Fresno, California, he is majoring in Earth Systems on the oceans track and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at pmonreal 'at'

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