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Kamala Harris pledges to combat climate change by locking up the carbon dioxide

Satire by

Given how sexy the issue of impending doom sounds to voters, it’s not surprising that many Democratic candidates for president have released unique plans to address the climate crisis. This week, Senator Kamala Harris — daughter of emeritus professor of economics Donald Harris — revealed her own unconventional solution: throwing all the carbon dioxide in jail.

“Look, I’ve told you all from day one that I’m a progressive prosecutor,” said the former attorney general of California at a recent campaign rally. “So, it’s time we prosecute the hell out of pollution.”

Harris’s plan, titled “Prosecute the Pollution,” would direct local and state law enforcement to round up carbon dioxide molecules, hold them in jail without bail and pursue life sentences without chance for parole. The goal is to keep these molecules off the streets, preventing them from contributing to global warming.

At this time, it is unclear whether police forces will be targeting carbon dioxide or also be actively searching for other contributing gases like methane, nitrous oxide and fluorinated gases. Policing methods are also vague, but ideas like vacuum technology or deputized redwoods have been thrown around by some law enforcement agencies.

“OMG if I am deputized, does that mean I get a gun?” tweeted the Stanford Tree.

So far, reaction to “Prosecute the Pollution” has been mixed, but many are acknowledging the creativity of Harris’s strategy.

“I’m not really sure why everyone is suddenly interested in my opinion on climate issues after I dropped out of the race,” said Washington Governor Jay Inslee on MSNBC. “Where was all this media interest when I was running?”

Students for a Sustainable Stanford (SSS) expressed that they liked the sentiment of the plan but were unsure of its methods. Critics of the plan are concerned primarily with how prisons will store these new criminals and call for a greater focus on rehabilitation. Regardless, most climatologists agree that any plan is pointless because “we’re already f***ed.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’

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Patrick Monreal '22 was the satire editor for Vol. 256, but still continues to contribute to both satire and news in Vol. 257. A native of Fresno, California, he is majoring in Earth Systems on the oceans track and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at pmonreal 'at'