It was just your typical quiet, calm and laid-back Eurotrash. 5-SURE was stationed at their regular corner of Campus Dr. and Mayfield Ave., showering passersby with cinnamon Pop-Tarts; waves of drunk frosh were anxiously asking everyone how to get to Kappa Sigma (KSig) and Vice-Provost for Student Affairs Susie Brubaker-Cole was tackling cops.

“The events that took place on the evening of Sept. 27 were disgraceful and disheartening,” Brubaker-Cole wrote in a “Notes from the Quad” blog post on Sunday. “Whoever attacked that brave police officer will face immense disciplinary action.”

According to witnesses, at approximately 11 p.m., a figure drinking a Four Loko Hard Seltzer exited KSig as police arrived. When the officer questioned the individual, they body slammed the cop to the floor and took off.

“The suspect used she/her pronouns, wore glasses, had gray hair and was carrying a 100-page booklet titled ‘ResX Task Force Final Report: Our Vision for Stanford’s Undergraduate Residences,’” the officer told a possibly drunk Daily reporter. “She just kept mumbling something about 10 housed Greek organizations over and over again.”

The University has yet to release an official statement, but Provost Persis Drell was spotted at the scene of the incident shortly thereafter. It is unclear at this time whether Drell was simply attending Eurotrash for fun or on official business for the University.

The incident at KSig comes as the future of Greek life at Stanford remains in question. Many critics believe Greek life should return to its former state — you know, with Plato and Socrates and stuff. Proponents of the system say it’s a positive space for kegs everywhere.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.