New students avoid ‘freshman 15’ by trying out Malibu cleanse

Satire by

You may have heard of trends like the paleo or keto diet, but the latest health fad captivating the nation actually originates here, inside the dorms at Stanford. Even though the Farm is globally recognized as a hub of innovation and genius, nobody could have predicted what health experts are now coining the “Stanford Malibu Cleanse.”

“It all started as a way to pregame Eurotrash,” said an anonymous Donner resident. “But given how fun and delicious the diet is, we’re pretty much going to keep it up the whole quarter.”

No, it isn’t named after the movie stars living it up on the beaches of Malibu; the diet revolves around, of course, the popular coconut-flavored liqueur made with Caribbean rum known as Malibu.

“We tried everything from Smirnoff Whipped Cream to Fireball,” said the freshman. “For something we’re consuming every day, though, we wanted to go with the irresistible, refreshing taste of coconut.”

The diet is structured essentially like a juice cleanse but with Malibu instead of juice. Strict observers will drink the Malibu for every meal, including a shot for breakfast, but some freshmen are allowing for a “cheat meal” of boxed wine for dinner.

The science isn’t exactly clear yet on how the Malibu cleanse will impact the health of students. Additionally, Residential & Dining Enterprises (R&DE) has yet to respond to our inquiries about how it plans to meet the needs of those adhering to the diet, but we expect Malibu in the dining halls’ special diet cabinets by next week.

“It’s just like coconut water — but spiked!” said the Donner resident.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’

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Patrick Monreal '22 is the forefather of the satire section. He still kind of hangs around meetings and pretends to contribute to news. A native of Fresno, California, he is majoring in Earth Systems on the oceans track and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at pmonreal 'at'