Satire by Benjamin Midler
Each year, a sizable cohort of newly-minted frosh decide that they want to do away with the socially-awkward, overtly studious persona that got them into Stanford in the first place.
Each year many try, yet all inevitably fail. The frosh is doomed, so it seemed, to be trapped in a cage of their own making — a cage constructed of color-coded notebooks, thick glasses and introversion. That is, until Ronny Santanac went on his dorm’s traditional San Francisco scavenger hunt last weekend and got a tattoo.
“Ronny didn’t really have any friends in high school,” said Titus Van Dyck, a cool water polo recruit who went to the same school as Ronny.
That all seemed to change after Ronny got the tattoo, however, as his RAs confirmed a 400 percent increase in the number of dorm room parties he has hosted since last Saturday.
“It has been pretty much every night, all night,” reported a haggard RA who had been tasked with keeping tabs on these parties — lest any alcohol be consumed — from a nearby tree.
Ronny could not be reached for comment, as the throngs of adoring fans and groupies that surround him consistently proved impenetrable for even the most intrepid reporter.
“He’s an inspiration,” said an anonymous frosh who admitted to being socially inept. “If someone like Ronny can turn their life around and be cool, why can’t I?”
Indeed, the last few days have seen an epidemic of friendless frosh getting tattoos in hopes of replicating Ronny’s success. None have been successful so far, no doubt because the content of Ronny’s now infamous tattoo are unknown.
Not to be deterred, many would-be copycats are hedging their bets by getting multiple tattoos of whatever they can think of. A Google Doc containing a list of tested subject matter currently has over 600 contributors. If they’re successful in finding the right tattoo, perhaps Stanford will become a cooler place.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Benjamin Midler at bmidler ‘at’ stanford.edu.