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Benjamin Midler
A chronic anachronism, Ben enjoys well-punctuated texts and oatmeal cookies. He's also majoring in psychology, so he knows how many fingers you're thinking of holding up. Spam him at bmidler 'at'

Cardinal Nights reports record in-person attendance

SATIRE: With the start of an unprecedented quarter, many students are taking comfort from even the little signs of normalcy. The weekly arrival of emails from Cardinal Nights brings such a taste of pre-pandemic life, as does throwing those unopened messages in the trash.

California now in smokey, BBQ flavor

In a recent press release, Pepsi Co., once the sixth largest naval power in the world, announced that, as a publicity stunt for their new Smokey, BBQ Flavor Doritos™, they had released 300 metric tons of atomized BBQ Doritos into the atmosphere above San Francisco.

Moth yeets itself at Hoover Tower light, dies

Last week, in what was described by Stanford Facilities Management Department (SFMD) authorities as a routine procedure, the light at the top of Hoover Tower was replaced. “It was getting old and was horribly inefficient,” said May Entanance, director of the SFMD. The new light, which is manufactured by a local Bay Area company, was…
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