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A few questions for the creators of ‘No Time to Die’

Humor by

To the scriptwriters, directors and producers of “No Time to Die,” have you seen your movie? Did you actually attend the premiere, or did you slip out early to see if you could sneak into another theater across the hall? Did the movie you had the world waiting on the edge of its seat for 18 months to see live up to your expectations?

When the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer lion roared onto the screen under the slogan “Ars Gratia Artis” (“art for art’s sake,” for the less classically inclined), were you crossing your fingers? Did you snicker behind your masks?

By the end of the 163-minute runtime, did you also feel as though there was just too much missing to name? Did you also wait until after the credits in the vain hope that there would be something — anything — more that could help piece things together? Were you also confused when the only thing that materialized was a promise that the eponymous character you’d just seen blown to smithereens will return? If you indeed made it all the way through, did you notice there was more applause at the beginning than the end? Why do you think that was?

Were you also confused by the trivialization and marginalization of iconic characters who were painstakingly developed over four movies? Did you also feel a tinge of embarrassment when Felix Leiter died? What about the characters who replaced them — Paloma, Nomi and Safin? Did you have to Google their names as well? On the subject of Paloma, did her abrupt introduction and equally abrupt departure give you whiplash? As for Safin, does his motive for wanting to kill millions of people escape you, too, or was there just not one? And while we’re on the subject, did he want to kill millions or just thousands, as both were mentioned?

Were you also confused by how Safin was mass-producing nanobots by farming them? How about the fact that he was an adult when Madeleine was a child, yet now, when Madeleine is grown and with a child of her own, she looks the same age as Safin? While we’re on the subject of Madeleine’s young daughter (her name escapes me as well), how was she able to survive all alone in Norway while her mother was living in England?

Tell me, was this a movie or a marketing opportunity? Either way, you know I’ll see the next one, right?

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

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A chronic anachronism, Ben enjoys well-punctuated texts and oatmeal cookies. He's also majoring in psychology, so he knows how many fingers you're thinking of holding up. Spam him at bmidler 'at' stanforddaily.com.