California now in smokey, BBQ flavor

Sept. 22, 2020, 7:18 p.m.

As many Bay Area residents turned their eyes to a smoke-filled and orange sky last week, confusion manifested everywhere. Local and national news outlets reported that the orange hue was the result of a confluence of atmospheric factors caused by nearby fires, while local cultists and conspiracy theorists posited that California was on the verge of everything from an alien incursion to a descent into the pits of hell. The real cause of the orange sky, however, is far more sinister.

In a recent press release, PepsiCo, once the sixth-largest naval power in the world, announced that, as a publicity stunt for their new Smokey, BBQ Flavor Doritos™, they had released 300 metric tons of atomized BBQ Doritos into the atmosphere above San Francisco.

In an exclusive comment to The Daily, Jeff Rosenplatt, head of public relations for Pepsi, commended the ingenuity of Pepsi’s culinary scientists in producing the stunt. “Getting that much BBQ into the air wasn’t easy, but it’s a testament to Pepsi’s ingenuity and creativity.”

When asked why the BBQ haze was mistaken for soot and ash, Rosenplatt explained that it is a common mistake made when people try Doritos. “Hey, it was either this or have Kendall Jenner cure racism again by throwing food at the police.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

Contact Benjamin Midler at bmidler ‘at’

A chronic anachronism, Ben enjoys well-punctuated texts and oatmeal cookies. He's also majoring in psychology, so he knows how many fingers you're thinking of holding up. Spam him at bmidler 'at'

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