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As part of pandemic revisions, Greek life takes new approach to alcohol, classism

Humor by

As the threat of a second socially distanced rush season looms, Stanford Greek life organizations are having to rethink their recruitment protocols and events.

“It’s a top-to-bottom revision,” said fraternity president Marck Slogsenburg. “We cut the red tape, had a real-good think about what actually matters in a potential recruit, and we’re very proud of what we’ve come up with.”

For all Greek life organizations, the new format heavily features virtual events, digitally distributed questionnaires and even essay questions.

“Most of the questions are pretty straightforward,” explained one sorority recruitment chair who asked to remain anonymous.

“This question, for instance,” she added, pulling-up a map of Stanford campus, “asks the applicant to circle the financial aid office. If they know where it is, we don’t let them in.”

One fraternity has reportedly based its applicant questionnaire off the University’s own alcohol awareness course.

“We think most people come to college with the wrong idea about drinking,” said fraternity member Steven Scurvy. “We want to address that through our recruitment process, and the AlcoholEdu course was a great starting point. We just took the same quizzes used by OAPE [the Office of Alcohol Policy and Education] and reversed the answers.”

When asked to comment on the scathing accusations of inequality and racism that pervades Greek life, representatives from all organizations contacted by The Daily issued staunch rebuttals.

“Any insinuation that recruitment is biased on account of any aspect of the applicant’s appearance is simply ridiculous,” said one Greek life representative. “Half the time, our recruitment committees can’t see straight anyway. There’s no way they’re even able to tell people apart.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

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A chronic anachronism, Ben enjoys well-punctuated texts and oatmeal cookies. He's also majoring in psychology, so he knows how many fingers you're thinking of holding up. Spam him at bmidler 'at' stanforddaily.com.