May 17, 2020, 9:20 p.m.

Last Thursday, the Fountain Hopper (FoHo), an anonymous “news”letter serving the Stanford community, released its latest issue. Contained within was a gobsmacking allegation that Vice Provost Susie Brubaker-Cole had lied to the undergraduate community about the so-called “amnesty policy.”

The FoHo reported that Brubaker-Cole’s promise to students that they would not face ramifications for illicit substances found in their dorm rooms was false. The FoHo, incensed by this finding, quickly described the incident as the worst violation of student trust it had ever seen, and called for both an apology and a full investigation into Brubaker-Cole’s misconduct — even (or especially) if the result is disciplinary action.

More recently, however, The Daily has obtained confidential testimony from the FoHo’s leadership in which they admit to blatant exaggeration and grandstanding. They admitted to over-hyping the above findings into a quasi-scandal for self-serving reasons.

“Last year we used all of our money to buy a guillotine off eBay,” one FoHo member admitted to The Daily. “We thought it would be kinda cool to have, but it has just been sitting in a corner gathering dust. We thought that, by turning this whole amnesty thing into a scandal, we would finally be able to use it.”

We at The Daily believe these findings to constitute the most blatant violation of trust we have ever seen. The FoHo deliberately and knowingly hyped up its findings for no reason other than to satiate its lust for “gotcha” journalism, and to justify an expensive impulse purchase.

Consequentially, we at The Daily demand that all members of the FoHo be thrown in the stocks for no less than a week, and that all members of the Stanford community be allowed to throw rotten food at them.

Feed The Daily: We at the Daily are nothing more than humble servants of the truth, crusading against the tyranny of the untrue and unfunny. As Pope Innocent III will tell you, “Crusading ain’t cheap.” As such, we would appreciate it if you put whatever money you can spare into an unmarked envelope and slide it in between your sofa cushions. Now you’re giving yourself a nice surprise when you find that envelope three months from now.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Ben Midler at bmidler ‘at’

A chronic anachronism, Ben enjoys well-punctuated texts and oatmeal cookies. He's also majoring in psychology, so he knows how many fingers you're thinking of holding up. Spam him at bmidler 'at'

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