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Cardinal Nights reports record in-person attendance

Humor by

With the start of an unprecedented quarter, many students are taking comfort in even the little signs of normalcy. The weekly arrival of emails from Cardinal Nights brings such a taste of pre-pandemic life, as does throwing those unopened messages in the trash.

Cardinal Nights’ upbeat attitude is likewise unchanged, as spokesperson Jamie Clementine made a point of telling The Daily — that, despite public health mandates and most students being off campus, attendance at Cardinal Nights events has reached record levels.

“It’s wonderful how, despite the world hitting a bit of a rough patch these days, students are still showing up at our events with big smiles — just as they have in previous years,” Clementine said.

When asked about the precautions Cardinal Nights has taken to prevent spreading infection, Clementine was pleased to report that Cardinal Nights’ previous setup already satisfied even the most stringent social distancing rules. He did add that wearing masks would likely make the lip sync battle scheduled for Oct. 23 more challenging.

“It’s all part of the fun,” he said.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. 

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A chronic anachronism, Ben enjoys well-punctuated texts and oatmeal cookies. He's also majoring in psychology, so he knows how many fingers you're thinking of holding up. Spam him at bmidler 'at' stanforddaily.com.