Satire by Kirsten Mettler
In a huge upset for the Stanford College Republicans (SCR), Alex Jones cancelled his planned campus appearance, forcing the organization to settle for Ben Shapiro. For months, SCR has been trying to get the “far-right conspiracy theorist” (that’s what Wikipedia says anyway) to come to campus, and he had agreed to come this November. Connie Servitive ’21, president of SCR, had been super excited to bring Jones.
“He is really one of the most controversial men in the world. He is even banned from Youtube,” Servitive said. “Bringing him to Stanford could really accomplish our goal of bringing all views to the table.”
(Un)fortunately, Alex Jones cancelled last minute. In a rambling phone call with The Daily, he said something about the water in Silicon Valley being dangerous. We thought the incoherence was over, but he kept going.
“Google, Facebook, all of those big tech companies that Stanford supports are planning World War III,” Jones screamed. “I want no part of that. I want my supplements and my clean water and no war. But if you wanna kill people? Sure, go talk at Stanford and contribute to humanity’s obsolescence.”
Well, that is too much to unpack right now, but, in short, Jones is no longer coming to campus.
In an attempt to fill his huge controversial vacuum, SCR has booked Ben Shapiro as their replacement speaker. While Shapiro is certainly a provocative choice, he is nowhere near as divisive as Alex Jones. SCR has even expressed concern over this, saying that Shapiro may not be controversial enough to get the anarchical response they are looking for. Dinesh D’Souza came close last year, but all we got out of that was a stink bomb.
We reached out to see if Shapiro minded being the Stanford Republicans’ second choice.
“I don’t care,” said Shapiro. “I care about facts, not feelings.”
Well said. Even though Shapiro may not be as controversial as Jones, campus is still buzzing over his talk. Many campus groups think Shaprio is simply too offensive to bring to campus, but don’t worry, there is no doubt his talk will be packed to the brim.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Kirsten Mettler at kmettler ‘at’ stanford.edu.