Satire by Benjamin Midler
For freshmen, being rolled out by your first college clubs can be an exciting experience. Heart still pounding from the abrupt and violent wake-up, you are inducted into a new community — often christened by doughnuts and copious amounts of coffee.
For upperclassmen living in four-class dorms, however, the fall rollout season can be less thrilling, as the frequent pre-dawn outbursts of yelling, banging and general chaos can disrupt delicate sleep schedules. Eventually, it may prove too much.
Such was the case in FloMo last Thursday, as the weeks of being woken by their neighboring frosh’s rollouts spurred several upperclassmen to take matters into their own hands, and remove the doors to all rooms in the complex.
“That way,” said agitated junior Augie Were, “the students doing the rolling out won’t be able to bang on them anymore. It’s genius.”
When asked how she managed to remove all the doors, Were explained that, as a humanities major, she doesn’t know how a screwdriver works (who does?). “I got some friends of mine to do it,” she explained. “They’re doing engineering.”
Initially, and understandably, the FloMo frosh complained about the sudden disappearance of their privacy. It was especially strange to have drunk freshmen wandering around the RF’s apartments on the weekend. These complaints, however, were rejected by Vice Provost Susie Brubaker-Cole.
When asked for comment, her office explained that, due to the enterprising efforts of a few students, Stanford’s open-door alcohol policy will now have 100% adherence in FloMo. Through a spokesperson, Vice Provost Brubaker-Cole hinted that she may institute similar measures at all dorms.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Benjamin Midler at bmidler ‘at’ stanford.edu.