Satire by Kirsten Mettler
You’re not a real Stanford student until you have experienced the thrills of shopping at the Stanford Bookstore. Whether you’re a thoughtful son deciding which $150 polo to buy your dad for Father’s Day (with his own money) or a frantic freshman looking for a fan after realizing your dorm has no air conditioning, the bookstore always seems to have something pretty darn close to what you actually need. But with the store’s wide selection, we at The Daily figured it would be helpful to detail some of our own unique finds at Stanford Bookstore.
This year the Stanford Bookstore has decided to get involved in the Halloween costume game. With an exclusive line of Sexy Stanford themed Halloween costumes, everyone can strut their stuff at Maus in true Nerd Nation fashion.
Sexy Failed Midterm
This costume seems very topical considering how close Halloween falls to midterms this year. The tight-fitting dress with a big “F” on it is perfect for those wishing to be both spooky and sexy this October. The Daily asked bookstore shopper Jenny Jones ’23 what she thought of the outfit.
“I don’t have nightmares about ghosts or zombies,” Jones said. “I have nightmares about that awful MATH 51 midterm. Yeah, that costume sure is terrifying.”
The bookstore knows how close to home this may hit for some Stanford students, especially freshmen, so they are offering a discount. If you bring in a midterm you failed, your costume is 60% off. What a steal!
Sexy CS Major
Do you love to code almost as much as you love to bone? This costume may strike your fancy. Modeled after the signature Stanford CS look, the look consists of a stained hoodie with the perfect g-string thong to match.
Apparently, some CS majors are offended by the costume. Johnny Seeplus ’20 explained why he thought the “Sexy CS Major” look was ridiculous.
“No CS major would ever walk around in a thong,” Seeplus told me. “I code in my boxers. Otherwise, my laptop would burn my thighs.”
Sexy Jane Stanford
By far, the most popular sexy costume has been “Sexy Jane Stanford,” which includes a tattered crop top blouse with a turn-of-the-century skirt. The Daily asked Nae Kid ’20 why she was going with the Jane Stanford look this year.
“It’ll be so funny since Jane Stanford is like dead,” Kid said. “Get it? Because I’m drop DEAD gorgeous.”
Don’t be surprised if you see lots of Sexy Janes this Halloweekend. Sigma Nu is even giving out free candy to anyone dressed in the costume. When asked why the fraternity was so excited about Sexy Jane, Chad Smith ’21 gave an interesting reply.
“Honestly, maybe I have mommy issues,” Smith said. “But those Sexy Jane Stanford costumes are next level hot. It’s like looking at a grandma in lingerie. Fire.”
It seems like Smith would fit in well with the Kardinal Kink. Hopefully, he checks it out. As for the rest of us, it seems like a hot and steamy Halloween here on the farm. Make sure to stop by the bookstore to satisfy all your sexy Halloween needs.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Kirsten Mettler at kmettler ‘at’ stanford.edu.