Satire by Kirsten Mettler
Stanford must finally pay for its sins. After years of playing in the morally black cloud of the tech industry, wrath is finally being wreaked against this great institution in the form of seven plagues. Jessie Chriest, a religious studies professor, has seen this coming for years.
“Stanford has been ignoring the words of God for too long,” Chriest said. “Unfortunately, this institution must pay for what it has done.”
As you may have noticed, the plagues have already started. First came the cooling curtailments in August. Stanford students were not only assaulted with ridiculous heat, but also ridiculous emails as the school budgeted its resources in the face of the weather.
Then came the earthquake from a few weeks back. Sleep-deprived freshmen and hungover seniors alike rolled over in their beds as Stanford shook to its very foundation. I asked Anne Gre ’23, if the earthquake scared her.
“No,” Gre said. “I just thought it was another f*cking rollout.”
For the third plague, Stanford went dark. Crothers, the Cowell Cluster and other buildings lost power at the hands of the heavens. Students with midterms ran around like headless chickens, just trying to find some light to study by. It was anarchy.
Next, came the fourth plague — a real stomach churner. Spread by make out sessions and shared water bottles, norovirus has been making its way through the student body at an alarming rate. No dorm quarantine seems able to stop this apocalyptic vomit comet.
After all of this, God still decided to truly let out his fire and fury. As the California coast burns, Stanford students are left coughing across campus. Nothing is more embarrassing than wheezing as you bike your way over to class. When will God let this fiery hell end?
Five plagues down, two more to go. What could the rest possibly be? How much worse than cooling curtailment can it really get? I asked Jessie Chriest if he had any thoughts on what’s next.
“I don’t know for sure,” Chriest said. “But, looking at the facts, I wouldn’t be surprised if for the seventh plague we lose to Cal.”
For now, all we can do is wait. Hopefully, these plagues will be over soon, and Stanford’s horror will end.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Kirsten Mettler at kmettler ‘at’ stanford.edu.