Satire by Kirsten Mettler
Cherry Jones ’21 was super excited to go home for the holidays. Between classwork, internships and job interviews, junior year had been rough — and Jones was ready to have a nice relaxing break.
The incident took place while Jones was making her long drive home from Stanford to Sunnyvale. It was late, Jones was tired, and she pulled over to a rest stop to get a quick bite to eat.
“I don’t know what came over me,” Jones said. “I think the Stanford bubble really brainwashed me.”
While at the counter of a local McDonalds, Jones handed the cashier her Stanford ID to pay for her burger and fries. When the cashier asked for a different card, assuming Jones had simply made a mistake, Jones went rabid.
“First, I noticed the pretentious screaming,” recalled an innocent bystander. “I looked over and some girl in sweats was screaming at this poor cashier. She kept insisting that she had more meal swipes left, and said something about ‘paying too much f**king money to this school to get ripped off.’ It was horrifying, like watching a lion eat a gazelle on the nature channel.”
Eventually police were called, and Jones spent her first day of break in a jail cell. However, she said prison wasn’t all that bad.
“At least in prison I don’t have to do problem sets,” Jones said. “I finally got some good sleep — and the food was a bit better than at Arrillaga.”
Residential and Dining Enterprises (R&DE) has released a statement in response to the incident, reminding students that Stanford “does not own the world” and that meal swipes and meal plan dollars are only valid at “specific Stanford locations.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Kirsten Mettler at kmettler ‘at’ stanford.edu.