Support independent, student-run journalism.  Your support helps give staff members from all backgrounds the opportunity to conduct meaningful reporting on important issues at Stanford. All contributions are tax-deductible.

‘Mono’ and ‘microabrasions’ trending on Google ahead of Full Moon on the Quad

Satire by

Following last quarter’s norovirus outbreak, physicians at Vaden Health Center warned that the Class of 2023’s hygiene practices have proven to be some of the worst ever seen. As Full Moon on the Quad — our favorite “orgy of interclass kissing”  — approaches, peer health educators (PHEs) believe that Google Trends indicates an even worse mono season.

“This year’s mono season is going to be bad,” said Dr. Epstein Barr. “I knew it as soon as the number of mono kit tests I was ordering surpassed the number of pregnancy tests.”

With Full Moon on the Quad on the horizon, the Junior Class Cabinet has issued a joint-warning with campus PHEs to warn current frosh about the dangers of microabrasians.

“Don’t floss. Don’t brush. Don’t create microabrasians. You should literally do this at any other time of the year, but not now,” the statement noted.

It was not soon after that CS 106A students observed a large increase in “microabrasion” searches on Google. “Can you get mono from sharing a juul?” was also trending.

Upperclassmen’s advice on this issue was popular on social media. Twitter user @NotYourPHE warned the class of 2023 to “NOT kiss @DaStanfordTree no matter what!!” The official Vaden Health Center Twitter account promptly retweeted this.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Richard Coca at richcoca ‘at’ stanford.edu.

While you're here...

We're a student-run organization committed to providing hands-on experience in journalism, digital media and business for the next generation of reporters. Your support makes a difference in helping give staff members from all backgrounds the opportunity to develop important professional skills and conduct meaningful reporting. All contributions are tax-deductible.


Get Our EmailsDigest

Richard Coca '22 is Managing Editor of Satire for Volume 257. A dark horse and a workhorse, Richard strives towards bettering himself and having fun on the way. He understands that life is too precious to take seriously all the time. He currently plans to major in human biology and maybe minor in Twitter. Contact him at richcoca 'at' stanford.edu.