Satire by Richard Coca
Following last quarter’s norovirus outbreak, physicians at Vaden Health Center warned that the Class of 2023’s hygiene practices have proven to be some of the worst ever seen. As Full Moon on the Quad — our favorite “orgy of interclass kissing” — approaches, peer health educators (PHEs) believe that Google Trends indicates an even worse mono season.
“This year’s mono season is going to be bad,” said Dr. Epstein Barr. “I knew it as soon as the number of mono kit tests I was ordering surpassed the number of pregnancy tests.”
With Full Moon on the Quad on the horizon, the Junior Class Cabinet has issued a joint-warning with campus PHEs to warn current frosh about the dangers of microabrasians.
“Don’t floss. Don’t brush. Don’t create microabrasians. You should literally do this at any other time of the year, but not now,” the statement noted.
It was not soon after that CS 106A students observed a large increase in “microabrasion” searches on Google. “Can you get mono from sharing a juul?” was also trending.
Upperclassmen’s advice on this issue was popular on social media. Twitter user @NotYourPHE warned the class of 2023 to “NOT kiss @DaStanfordTree no matter what!!” The official Vaden Health Center Twitter account promptly retweeted this.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Richard Coca at richcoca ‘at’ stanford.edu.