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5-SURE violates Standards of Excellence, opening table as Tier 1 housing

Satire by

The Fraternity and Sorority Life Division of Residential Education has found 5-SURE in violation of the Standards of Excellence, sparking disarray on the row. While many students find themselves asking how 5-SURE broke the Standards of Excellence, The Daily has gone to lengths to investigate this decision.

Apparently the Standards of Excellence state that all vehicle organizations operating on the row must have four stars or higher on Uber. After a couple of bad weeks, 5-SURE no longer meets this qualification, and their table will go up next year as a tier one housing option.

How did this happen? Students report that at first, they ran out of poptarts. Then the golf cart kept bumping on potholes, which is a sensation no drunk person ever wants to feel. After a consistently poor performance, 5-SURE’s Uber rating officially dropped down to three stars. Cindy Jenkins ’22 is a volunteer for 5-SURE, and she was crushed by this news.

“We were really doing our best,” Jenkins said. “You forget to buy extra strawberry poptarts one time and suddenly everyone on the row hates you. We are all so nervous; what is to become of 5-SURE now?”

However, not everyone is upset about the fall of 5-SURE. Many are hoping to draw into that super special table as their housing, now that it is up for grabs. Buford Chad ’21 said that the former 5-SURE spot is his number one housing choice.

“Imagine,” Chad said. “A place on the row with no housing dues, very affordable, right in the center of the action. It’s a dream.”

It seems like it is the end of an era when it comes to 5-SURE, unless it can somehow improve that Uber rating. Meanwhile, it seems like good news for Chad and others like him looking to find a nice little table on the row. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Kirsten Mettler at kmettler ‘at’ stanford.edu.

Kirsten Mettler '23 writes satire and opinions for the Daily. She is interested in political science, law and justice, and occasionally dabbles in theater.