Satire by Benjamin Midler
Last week, in what was described by Stanford Facilities Management Department (SFMD) authorities as a routine procedure, the light at the top of Hoover Tower was replaced.
“It was getting old and was horribly inefficient,” said May Entanance, director of the SFMD.
The new light, which is manufactured by a local Bay Area company, was described as a substantial improvement by Ms. Entanance: “The weekly energy savings alone are enough to give my Nissan Leaf an extra quarter mile of range.”
Unfortunately, the night after the light was installed, it became clear that some aspect of the cutting-edge, ultra-efficient technology is, in fact, ultra-attractive to moths, as spectators reported seeing literally millions of the insects yeet themselves into the light, with the impact killing them instantly.
When asked to explain this unusual behavior, a local moth was at a loss for words.
“It defies explanation, bro,” the moth said. “That light is just … so … enticing. For moths, yeeting ourselves into that light is like skateboarders crashing into people at the circle of death: it’s in our nature.”
The moth then took off and yeeted itself into the light, promptly dying from the force of the impact.
Stanford biologists note that students should not be concerned by the large number of moths dying.
“We’re convinced that all the caterpillars born in the spring will replace the large number of moths dying,” wrote the Woods Institute in a statement. “Sadly, that means there will still be fuzzy caterpillars falling out of trees in the spring, but at least we know the new light is effective.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Benjamin Midler at bmidler ‘at’ stanford.edu.