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I forced a bot to read over 1,000 emails from my Academic Advising Director then had it write its own

This is what it came up with.

Satire by

Hello, student.

Quarter 5 in Winter Week welcomes you!

I hope you have been going well for the quarter. I know classes are happening. Now is time to ask questions. 

Are you self-care? Are you withdrawal deadline? Are you reflection? REFLECTION

There are deadlines approaching that are nearly dead. Interested in becoming research? Apply for money soon! Scientific Computing Department has its summer research program. Pre-Med Department has its summer research program. Earth and Rocks Department has its summer research program. Department of Humanity also can have research.

Seniors, come in for grad check and leave on time. Freshmen, it is never too early to Ways of Thinking/Ways of Doing about life. Sophomores and Juniors, yes. 

Need job? There are recipes for job available in BEAM. Very soon, the BEAM has a workshop on work to resume making a cover for your letter. Several jobs are currently hiring, too. The Hume Center is looking for rhetoric, or become Stanford Newcomer Guide to lift your hold. 

Each quarter has classes, and students should sign up for classes. Consider taking a One Unit Wonder or a Terrific Two, or maybe you want to major in space-available IntroSems? Take “EARTH 4N: Dairy Farming on Jupiter.” Or how about “CS 345: More Coding”?

I will be in my office this week for hours. Here are hours:

  • Monday: 10 a.m. – 11 a.m.
  • Tuesday: Arrillaga Family Dining Commons
  • Wednesday: Out Sick
  • Thursday: 10 p.m. – 9 a.m.
  • Friday: Huzzah!

If you have trouble finding my office, it has a desk.

[fun fact here]

Have a week, student. Our blog is also a place to go to for more words.

I have candy in my office,

Your Academic Advising Director

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. Article format popularized by Keaton Patti (‘at’ KeatonPatti on Twitter).

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.

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Patrick Monreal '22 was the satire editor for Vol. 256, but still continues to contribute to both satire and news in Vol. 257. A native of Fresno, California, he is majoring in Earth Systems on the oceans track and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at pmonreal 'at' stanford.edu.