Satire by Patrick Monreal
In a trove of leaked correspondence between high-level Stanford administrators, campus watchdogs uncovered an apology text from President Marc Tessier-Lavigne MTL to his daughter for skipping out on Stanford Family Weekend.
“I’m really sorry, honey, I have a thing to go to this weekend,” read the text message. “Maybe next year? LOL.”
The text concluded with a series of emojis, including the face with tears of joy, smiling face with hearts, two piles of poo, three Vulcan salutes, a person tipping their hand and a pair of British guards.
The University refused to confirm Tessier-Lavigne’s schedule for the weekend, and his “common phrases used by humans” themed desk calendar contained only doodles of anthropomorphic reptiles for this weekend.
“The president has a very, very busy schedule,” remarked one University official. “While he is both a parent and an administrator, a higher-order beckons him this weekend. His daughter is aware of the agreement.”
Ella Tessier-Lavigne ’20 did not respond to our request for comment — either that or I forgot to reach out.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.