Like many Stanford students, when Randal Herrera ’23 left for home two weeks ago, he didn’t know he was leaving for six months. He packed one suitcase, a backpack and two hydroflasks filled with Fireball.

“When the provost emailed us saying classes were going to be online the rest of the quarter, I packed up and yeeted,” Herrera said. “But look, I only brought the essentials with me — just enough Stanford shirts to remind people back home that I go there, the 75-pound bollard that my friends and I stole one night and some alcohol.”

Looking back, Herrera says that he regrets his packing choices, as these are now the items he is stuck with indefinitely. So far this week, he has worn only a pair of jeans and his Nerd Nation T-shirt. Next week, Herrera plans on “switching it up” by wearing his wrinkled Cardinal Service patterned button-up.

“I brought these shirts home to show off in public, and now I can’t even go outside,” Herrera said. “Worst part is, all of my classmates on Zoom think this is all I wear — because it is!”

Now that students cannot return for the entirety of spring quarter, it remains unclear how students will secure the rest of their belongings. If the University wants my advice, I think they should contract a construction company. Cut out our rooms with a jackhammer or saw or something and ship them in their entirety to us in a U-Haul. That way, no one has to physically touch our stuff. As an added bonus, we each would have our own makeshift quarantine pods.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.