Quarantine especially difficult for local serial killer

April 7, 2020, 9:15 p.m.

We get it. Quarantine is hard and boring. You feel isolated and scared. You may be unable to work. The shelter-in-place orders implemented by several governments as a result of the COVID-19 outbreak impacts the lives of virtually everyone — including serial killers.

“It’s hard to be in my line of work when there’s no one really out in public,” explained one local anonymous serial killer, who hereinafter is referred to as the Munger Marauder. “I can’t do my stalking effectively and efficiently with all these CDC regulations.”

The quarantine doesn’t appear to be ending anytime soon, either, with President Trump extending social distancing guidelines through the end of April. The Munger Marauder expressed concern for his industry, saying “we’re going to have to figure something out.”

“The ‘six foot’ rule is not necessarily the issue. I’m used to keeping some distance while following,” the Marauder said. “But coronavirus has introduced a novel hazard in handling the target. We are at risk now more than ever.”

The Marauder ended by explaining how the general public can reduce risk to fellow serial killers, reminding people to wash frequently and avoid going out if they are feeling symptoms.

“You never know who could be a serial killer, so be courteous and avoid contact with your neighbor if you’re not feeling well,” he finished. “Otherwise, please go about business as usual. Please.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.

Patrick Monreal '22 is the forefather of the satire section. He still kind of hangs around meetings and pretends to contribute to news. A native of Fresno, California, he is majoring in Earth Systems on the oceans track and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at pmonreal 'at' stanford.edu.

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