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Student wakes up in dorm after 2-month-long coma, lonely and confused

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After waking in his dorm room from a two-month-long coma, Jack Carlson ’22 admitted feeling lonely on the empty campus and pretty confused about where everybody went, sources confirmed yesterday.

“Where did they all go?” asked Carlson of the vast empty space. “Last I remember I was eating a family-style meal in a fully operating restaurant with more than six of my peers from Social Dance. What happened!”

Carlson reported being excited to touch his eyes, mouth and nose, then shake hands with as many people as possible, before he realized he was completely alone. 

“What’s the point of touching public surfaces if other people aren’t also frequently touching them? I thought at least the dining hall lines would be super short, but then I checked, and they’re all closed for some reason. I might have to resort to eating small, exotic mammals.” Carlson said.

“No, I had no idea he was in a coma,” said Carlson’s roommate, Damien Jeffries ‘22, who has already left campus. “I thought he was really sleepy or something. I was worried that if I opened any of my drawers he’d wake up, so I’ve worn the same outfit for weeks.”

Carlson later checked his email.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Lana Tleimat at ltleimat ‘at’

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Lana Tleimat '23 is Volume 257 Desk Editor of Satire. She is from Columbus, Ohio and not really studying anything. Contact her at ltleimat 'at'