Satire by Richard Coca
Among the many challenges arising from a shift to a virtual campus, Admit Weekend posed one of the largest to Stanford administrators. Without being able to physically host admits on campus, the Admit Weekend team decided to use virtual technology to engage prospective frosh (ProFros) and convince them to matriculate to Stanford.
“We started seeing a notable drop in interest in the university when our peer institutions agreed to pay subcontracted workers through the end of their school years and we didn’t,” said Richard Shaw, dean of admissions and financial aid. “We knew we had to do something, so we decided to provide a virtual tour of a world where we actually pay all of our workers.”
Stanford Students for Workers’ Rights (SWR) issued a statement soon after in response to the University’s outreach strategy. The press release noted, “One of the things Stanford likes to sell itself as to ProFros is as a family, but they’re continuously overlooking some of the most important family members of our community.”
When a local Daily reporter spotted University spokesperson E.J. Miranda walking six feet ahead of them in Main Quad, Miranda responded, “I am pretending that I do not see you, and I have no comment other than — oh my goodness, look over there, it’s Susie Brubaker-Cole and her dog, Riva.”
A FoShoFro, Ican Think-Formyself ’24, emailed The Daily, “As a senior who just finished bullshitting their college application, I know more than anyone that the promises Stanford just made are truly nothing more than about presenting an image. Anyways, I’ll be skipping most of the events to attend SWR’s press conference on Thursday.”
Upon further investigation, The Daily also learned that the virtual tour will be hosted on Minecraft and that a cube-like President Marc Tessier-Lavigne will welcome ProFros throughout the virtual Admit Weekend.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Richard Coca at richcoca ‘at’ stanford.edu.