Satire by Kirsten Mettler
Do-it-yourself bangs are at an all-time high right now as people across the country struggle with boredom. While some Americans have turned to puzzles, board games, sewing, video games and other hobbies to keep themselves busy, others have grabbed the kitchen scissors and given themselves bangs at three in the morning.
James Rogers ’23 felt sympathy as his friends’ Snapchat stories filled up with regret and choppy bangs. Rogers felt like he had a solution.
“Don’t get me wrong, some people look great with bangs,” Rogers said. “But way too many people right now are being impulsive and just chopping hair off. That’s why I started ‘Bang Away.’”
In true Stanford spirit, “Bang Away” is a startup founded by Rogers and a collection of other Stanford Undergraduates. The app takes a picture of you, and then adds bangs to show you what you would look like.
“I hope that this app helps people make informed decisions about their hair, no matter how bored they may be,” Kid explained. “I also hope it gets me into graduate school, I guess.”
As ridiculous as it might sound, preliminary user testing shows that this app has real promise. Especially in this digital climate, where cameras have become an even more important part of our daily life.
“This was a total lifesaver,” explained one anonymous tester. “If I had given myself those bangs, Chad from CS would have never slid into my Zoom DMs.”
The app is supposed to launch later next week. Email Rogers if you would like to be involved in the project; serious inquiries only.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Kirsten Mettler at kmettler ‘at’ stanford.edu.