Satire by Richard Coca
Last week, we reached out to each of this year’s candidates for the Associated Students of Stanford University (ASSU) Undergraduate Senate and Executive positions. While many candidates brushed our email aside, we are proud to endorse these three students, who The Occasionally believes are extraordinary and unprecedented in every way.
Note that the candidates we endorsed aren’t actually running, but imagine if they were. Just imagine.
Major: Symbolic Systems / Creative Writing
With budget cuts on the horizon, now more than ever Stanford needs leadership that the student body can trust. Susie believes this is a job for her. Susie has promised to make budget cuts all across the board and will ensure that they disproportionately impact every community.
Susie has also advocated for increased Senate accountability and transparency. She made it clear to The Occasionally that she’s aware no one really knows what the Senate does, but she’ll let them know. Susie said she plans to continue her weekly updates and vlogs in order to keep the student body up-to-date with the workings of the ASSU. She also alluded to her small mistake earlier in the month where she had to backtrack on her promise of amnesty towards students who reported illicit objects in their rooms. When asked about what she’d do to make amends, Susie assured us that she’s going to do something about it soon and that students should keep an eye out for her emails.
Persis has a strong understanding of the upcoming decisions that await the university. In her interview, she made it plain and clear that she knows how an endowment works. Similar to Susie, Persis expressed her willingness to fight for every student.
When pushed on the university’s lack of response towards Stanford Students for Workers Rights, Persis chose to ignore the criticism, instead, she pivoted to a part of her campaign we find riveting: stickers.
Most exciting, Persis mentioned that she would provide “#NeverthelessShePersis” stickers to her top supporters and championed a campaign infrastructure that would reach out to all students — even those on TikTok.
Major: Human Biology
Marc’s platform resembled one of a true veteran politician. Rather than answering questions with nuance and historical context, Marc frequently provided vague answers that The Occasionally Editorial Board found somewhat comforting.
He outlined his platform as one similar to Susie and Persis and championed his colleagues as part of his slate. The candidate also commented on previous Senate legislation that he supported, championing a past ASSU decision to get mozzarella sticks on the menu at TAP.
The Stanford Occasionally Editorial Board consists of the current editors of the Satire section and is overseen by Susie Brubaker-Cole, Marc Tessier-Lavigne and Persis Drell.
The Stanford Occasionally will also be releasing a series of “In Conversation with the ASSU candidate” articles to allow readers to get a sense of why we endorsed them.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Contact Richard Coca at richcoca ‘at’ stanford.edu.