Our interview with Associated Students of Stanford University (ASSU) candidate Marc Tessier-Lavigne began as our Stanford careers did, with a warm welcome from our dearly beloved president.

“Is it wrong if I call him daddy?” wrote one of our staffers into the chat. We began our interview shortly after a quick lecture on interview etiquette.

“I was very excited to see that The Occasionally was endorsing candidates,” said Tessier-Lavigne. “I’m a big fan. Besides, after being turned down for an endorsement by SOCC, FLIP and FLOP, I really needed this.”

Rumors immediately began to swirl in our editorial board’s collective Google Doc.

“Why exactly do you think these groups turned you down?” we asked. We could immediately tell he wasn’t prepared for this question.

“I want us to be a purposeful university — a university that fosters education, research and creativity for the benefit of humanity,” he said, right before he began to profusely sweat.

Our staffers smelled blood in the water, and our sharks began to ask their questions.

“Mr. President, many other candidates promised to no longer provide a platform for bigotry and speakers with a history of disparaging comments toward marginalized communities,” our staffers asked. “How would you balance this with the university’s promise to foster a healthy diversity of thoughts and opinions?”

Given Stanford’s recent history of speakers and protests, we thought he would have had a long, nuanced answer prepared.

“I want us to be a purposeful university — a university that fosters education, research and creativity for the benefit of humanity,” Tessier-Lavigne said.

The Occasionally editorial board chat erupted into flames. We began to see a pattern.

“Mr. President, what are your thoughts on divestment from fossil fuels?” we asked.

“I want us to be a purposeful university — a university that fosters education, research and creativity for the benefit of humanity,” he said again.

“How would you further support first-gen and/or low-income students?” we asked.

“I want us to be a purposeful university — a university that fosters education, research and creativity for the benefit of humanity,” he said again.

“Do you support the disability community’s request for a community center and increased resources?” we asked.

“I want us to be a purposeful university — a university that fosters education, research and creativity for the benefit of humanity,” he said again.

We looked at each other and quickly realized there was a limit to how deep we could dive into his platform. We discussed privately and realized there was only one important question left.

One of our staffers asked, “Do you think the ASSU made the right decision by furthering the expansion of mozzarella sticks at The Axe and Palm?”

“Yes,” he answered. The interview wrapped up shortly after this answer.

“He’s consistent. He’s reliable. I really think the Senate could benefit from someone like him,” said one of our staffers. The rest of us couldn’t help but agree.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. Article format inspired by John Paul Brammer’s “In Conversation with the Murder Hornet.”

Contact Richard Coca at rich ‘at’ stanford.edu.