Satire by Richard Coca
Our interview with ASSU candidate Persis Drell started off with a lull. After eight minutes of waiting in an empty Zoom call, the provost finally joined.
“Sorry, I’m late,” she said. “I just got off a Zoom call with Stanford Womxn in Law. I also might have to leave a bit early because I have my endorsement interview with Stanford Womxn in Engineering right after this.”
We assured her that’s okay and we began our interview with brief introductions. She introduced herself as the provost and told us how excited she is to run for ASSU.
“So why are you running, provost?” we asked.
“Well, as you all know, next year we will likely see a lot of departments having to make some serious budget cuts,” she said. “I can’t have any senators petitioning me to not make budget cuts in certain places, so I decided running for a senate seat was the best way to preemptively stop these petitions.”
One of our staffers began to pushback: “But you would be taking a student’s seat in the Senate. You’d be effectively minimizing the student voice.”
She nodded her head in disagreement.
“Let’s agree to disagree,” Drell said. “My office hours are always listed as open to students. Out of all the candidates running, I can tell you with confidence that I’m the only one who knows how an endowment works. Let me handle the business side.”
Our staffers don’t do well with orders nor direction.
“Speaking of business,” our staffer said, “what would you say to Stanford Students for Workers’ Rights who claims you have yet to deliver on the commitments you promised to your workers?”
Drell looked at us with eyes that asked us if we really just asked her that question. She briefly moved her glasses before providing us an answer.
“No comment,” Drell said.
Our staffers began to rigorously type in the Google Doc. Drell sensed the interview had taken a turn for the worst. She began to pivot to regain control of the conversation.
“You know what, I want to talk about my campaign,” she said. “Did you know the ASSU reimburses our campaign expenditures? So I’m buying all my top supporters stickers that say ‘Nevertheless She Persis,’ and for my volunteers, I’m providing free Main Quad stickers.”
Intrigued by these stickers, The Occasionally’s editorial board asked about how many stickers she’s distributed.
“Like a lot,” she replied. “I’m telling you. I’m going to win this election by a landslide. My campaign slate is even thinking of doing one of those ‘Don’t Rush’ TikTok challenges.”
After it became clear that Provost Drell’s victory was imminent, we thanked her for her time and came to the decision that we should endorse her anyway.
“I never thought I could become so disillusioned this quickly,” one of our staffers commented. “Should I even submit my ballot?”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only. Article format inspired by John Paul Brammer’s “In Conversation with the Murder Hornet.”
Contact Richard Coca at rich ‘at’ stanford.edu.