Stanford Residential Assistants (RAs) — now scattered across the country — are reporting symptoms like “slowly deteriorating into the netherworld” and “sadness” as their residents begin forgetting their existence.

“Were they even real in the first place?” asked Dominique Volorio ’23. “I mean, as much as I enjoyed having John or James or whatever as an RA, everything seems off now looking back at it.”

According to the RAs, it begins with a small but persistent earache. Then, just when you reach for your ear, you realize that nothing’s there. Next thing you know, your other ear is gone as well.

“At first, it was kinda nice to feel something,” recounted Wilbur RA Aaron DeSantis ’21, now just a floating head. “It isn’t so nice when you’re on a run and your feet disappear.”

After the ears, there’s no telling which appendage, organ or aspect of your mental health is next. Some RAs have detailed the disappearance of parts as crucial as their favorite toenail, while others are reporting minor inconveniences like a missing prefrontal cortex.

This mysterious syndrome afflicting RAs leaves the University with one pivotal question: “So can we have some of their salary back from spring quarter?”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Patrick Monreal at pmonreal ‘at’ stanford.edu.