Two weeks ago, 200 graduate students from across five schools and 30 departments coordinated and emailed a list of demands to five Stanford deans — Stephan Graham, Lloyd Minor, Debra Satz, Dan Schwartz and Jennifer Widom. These Stanford deans, however, have ghosted them.

“Look, when I first got the emails, I was really excited because other than fossil fuel companies, rarely do geologists like me get a lot of emails,” Graham said. “But then I opened it and saw a bunch of graduate students, so I decided to pretend to not see it.”

Similar reactions were seen from other Stanford deans.

“I ran across a Buzzfeed article talking about ghosting and relationship advice,” Satz said. “I found the ghosting part very relevant.”

The Stanford Solidarity Network stressed that it will continue advocating for its five demands: a fully-funded one-year program extension, full summer funding at the minimum quarterly rate, the expansion of emergency funding sources, additional fully funded program extensions for graduate student parents and legal counsel for international students.

“It’s like they’re obsessed with us,” Satz said. “So many emails.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Richard Coca at richcoca ‘at’ stanford.edu.