Satire by Richard Coca
University administrators outlined a comprehensive, one-step plan to combat racial injustice in a Monday night email entitled, “Only One Race: The Human Race.”
“We cannot imagine what many of you are feeling at this moment, but we can imagine that we all share a firm commitment to our convictions,” reads the email. “Namely, the University’s conviction is that we remain ambivalent and noncommittal.”
While some students have stepped up and fundraised thousands for mutual legal aid funds, protester bailout funds and nonprofits fighting for major police reform and Black community health, Stanford has yet to provide tangible actions it will take to address anti-Blackness on campus.
“I’ve seen tweets longer than MTL’s statement,” said one student who requested anonymity out of fear of retaliation. “His email complaining about Stanford’s finances was 10 times longer than his statement. Like, literally 16 paragraphs longer.”
Other students noted that the University has not provided academic accommodations in light of recent events, nor has it adequately addressed the use of racial slurs in its classes. Students are urging the University to take more concrete actions such as providing a permanent space for the King Institute and increasing its funds.
Professor Clayborne Carson, founding director of the Martin Luther King Jr. Research and Education Institute, said in a previous interview with The Mercury News that he doesn’t “anticipate that Stanford will guarantee a long-term future for the King Institute.”
Students echoed Carson’s call for a permanent building, pressuring Stanford to take further (or any) action.
“We’re floating the idea of starting another do-nothing task force. That should be more than enough activism for today,” said one University administrator in a Zoom call leaked to The Occasionally. “We want you to know that we see you, and we’re doing our part, too.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Jackie O’Neil contributed to this report.
Contact Richard Coca at richcoca ‘at’ stanford.edu.