Former national security advisor John Bolton recently published his tell-all book The Room Where It Happened, recounting his experiences with the Trump administration. A majority of the book focuses on Trump’s frequent remarks about Bolton’s prominent mustache.

Excerpt from The Room Where It Happened:

When questioned on his approach to mitigating the effects of climate change on ecosystems, Trump remarked, “Look at Bolton’s mustache! Every walrus is jealous of that thing! It looks like a polar bear died on his face!”

Trump often made hurtful comments towards me, but it was pretty clear he was just projecting his own insecurities. 

During a public health briefing, he once blurted out unprovoked “I eat too much fast food? Well Bolton looks like a failed Colonel Sanders cosplay! It looks like he drank a root beer float and then never licked his lips!”

Bolton revealed that Trump secretly solicited assistance from other countries, asking Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping for intelligence that might help him come up with new ways to make fun of Bolton’s mustache.

“The walrus mustache style has an important role in this country’s history that extends beyond the presidency,” Bolton stated in a Reddit AMA. “I hope my story can help expose the corruption and injustices our country faces.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Om Jahagirdar at ojahagir ‘at’ stanford.edu.