Unwittingly having eaten spiders in his sleep, Spiderman was charged for five counts of cannibalism.

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“From now on, we will be cutting all of our 4ft burritos lengthwise,” announced head chef Ay McFude, “and removing the arsenic.” 

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Funshine Bear’s relentless optimism on the show were later identified as delusions of grandeur, but only after it was too late.

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e thing when my RAs said that I couldn’t take shots in the lounges anymore, but that’s nothing compared to G.I. Joe in my room,” said a disgruntled junior. “It’s not like the triples weren’t crowded enough already."

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In all my time looking for rare, ape-like beasts, I’ve never seen something quite like this. I have hiked through the Sierra Nevada mountains tailing bigfoot, climbed Mt. Everest while chasing down Yetis, and searched Stanford for an undergrad genuinely passionate about consulting, but never had any success.

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Although social distance, wearing a mask and getting vaccinated seem a foolproof way to prevent any contagion, I’d prefer if you shut your mouth when you’re around me just to play it safe as well.

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HUMOR: “One small step for man, one large leap for a man with much shorter legs.” — Neil Armstrong

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SATIRE: Will Apple add a button, or remove a button? Will they add this port, or remove that port? They might even add a letter to its name!

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SATIRE: Margaret Wood Hassan, NH: Wario’s aspiration. Not sure if she’s Italian, but she’s white and originally from MA so we’re going to assume that, like Rob, she just wants your money.

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SATIRE: “I’m always scared that the bubble holding us will pop and we’ll all fall to our doom, metaphorically speaking of course,” said Lakers bench player/cheerleader JR Smith.

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Local racist, Edgar Pritchard, only recently learned that the name of his favorite football team, the Cleveland Browns, isn’t rooted in racism.

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SATIRE: Some are dissatisfied with Biden’s VP pick because, as an inanimate object, the Obama cutout is unable to fulfill any of the duties of the vice president.

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Former national security advisor John Bolton recently published his tell-all book The Room Where It Happened, recounting his experiences with the Trump administration. A majority of the book focuses on Trump’s frequent remarks about Bolton’s prominent mustache.

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Follow this flowchart to find out what section of The Stanford Daily you should join.

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SATIRE: Several smaller artists will also be performing, including a laptop on YouTube autoplay and a shopping cart full of rubber chickens.

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SATIRE: Every fall, Frosh flock to Arrillaga Alumni Center for Frosh Formal, excited to dance, take pictures and listen to their frosh council reps complain about being sober monitors.

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SATIRE: You may have heard of Hot Girl Summer, but how about Frosh Flu Fall? Just ask some Stanford freshmen.

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SATIRE: We at The Stanford Daily are proud to present an anonymous interview with the sole person in the Class of 2023 without imposter syndrome.

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