New regulations allow students to remove masks to cough

Humor by Om Jahagirdar
April 5, 2022, 10:52 p.m.

In light of the evolving climate surrounding the COVID-19 pandemic, Stanford has loosened its regulations. A current bulletin reads: “In classrooms, face coverings will continue to be required through the beginning of spring quarter. However, individuals may remove face coverings while coughing or sneezing.”

“The reasoning behind this policy change is quite simple,” explained Stanford President Marc Tessier-Lavigne. “Coughing and sneezing are natural mechanisms the body employs to expel irritants from your airways. Therefore, it’s important that the particles from your sneeze or cough are launched as far away as possible from you through ventilation onto other people and commonly handled objects. It’s only safe.”

In addition to reduced masking requirements, testing requirements have also been relaxed on campus. The bulletin further reads: “Weekly required testing for fully vaccinated and boosted students will be suspended. However, testing is strongly recommended if you have recently contracted COVID-19.”

“Assume people act rationally,” continued Tessier-Lavigne. “If one has COVID-19, it will be in their best interest to take a COVID-19 test so they can test positive and get the care they need. If one doesn’t have COVID-19, they have no need to take the test, saving time and testing supplies.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Om Jahagirdar is the Humor Managing Editor and All-Time Humblest Writer at The Daily. Contact him omjahagirdar 'at' stanforddaily.com.

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