Corrected Marriage Pact data reveals 61.4% of Stanford is desperate for human contact

Humor by Om Jahagirdar
April 14, 2022, 8:04 p.m.

The Marriage Pact, Stanford’s techno-solution for love, is a favorite method for finding a significant other, a new friend or someone to avoid for the rest of college. The annual Campus Report breaks down the Marriage Pact survey results, initially reporting that 61.4% of students are ‘hitched’ as of autumn. However, due to mislabeling, these results misrepresented the actual statistics, and the report has since been updated with the following corrected findings.

The survey found that 16.2% of students are single, 61.4% of students are desperate for human contact of any kind and the remaining 22.4% are content with only eye contact.

Stanford men would send back a dish at a restaurant, Stanford women and nonbinary people would not send back a dish at a restaurant and Stanford dogs would lick their owner’s plate clean at a restaurant.

Just under 50% of students are smarter than most people at Stanford.

Paradoxically, men are strongly against greek life and strongly for keeping a gun in the house, but are strongly against shooting a Greek person.

“We apologize for these errors,” said Marriage Pact co-founder Liam McGregor in an interview with a Daily reporter. “We’re learning on the job and many of us are still students ourselves. Also, would you maybe want to hold hands?”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Om Jahagirdar is the Humor Managing Editor and All-Time Humblest Writer at The Daily. Contact him omjahagirdar 'at' stanforddaily.com.

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