We are writing this afternoon regarding the recent heavy rain, strong winds and other stormy weather. Expect to see standing bodies of water on campus, including at Lake Lagunita. Though your foolish, naive instincts may be to do lake activities at the lake, it is incredibly important to refrain from entering Lake Lagunita in light of several sightings of the Lag Ness Monster.
The Lag Ness Monster is thought to have relocated to Lake Lagunita after the storm flooded the Crothers Hall basement, where it previously squatted and faked being a Stanford student. As the Lag Ness Monster trespasses, does not pay tuition, has killed three freshmen and protests the Stanford administration, it poses a danger. The standing bodies of water are not safe for bathing, drinking or recreational activities. We ask you to instead use the bathing bodies of water, drinking bodies of water and recreational activities bodies of water for each of these respective pursuits.
We would like to reiterate that we will not take any actions to prevent the lake from naturally draining in order to protect the habitat of the endangered California Tiger Salamander. We hear the calls from the community to maintain the lake’s water levels to protect the Lag Ness Monster, which is the last member of its species. However, it is the professional consensus of a council of Stanford’s leading environmental scientists that salamanders rule and monsters drool.
Thank you for your understanding.
Senior Associate Vice Provost and Dean of Students
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.