His chiseled torso and bloodlust-filled eyes represent the athleticism and tenacity of our beloved football team. His black ears represent the arbitrary, ruthless death we rain unto our unsuspecting opponents. His childlike smile represents the carefree and flippant attitude with which we strangled the Oregon Ducks. Go Card.

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e thing when my RAs said that I couldn’t take shots in the lounges anymore, but that’s nothing compared to G.I. Joe in my room,” said a disgruntled junior. “It’s not like the triples weren’t crowded enough already."

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Hello, my name is Sam, and I am writing to the community from my desk in Crothers to inform my fellow Cardinals and the rest of the Stanford community that I am doing just fine. 

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HUMOR: I purchased them from McDonald’s back in September. Now is your chance to buy one for the low, low price of $79.99.

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The No. 1 seed Cardinal (11-0, 7-0 Pac-12) continued their unbeaten women’s lacrosse run Saturday afternoon in the Pac-12 Championship against the No. 3 seed Colorado (8-7, 4-3 Pac-12). The dominant performance saw Stanford on top 17-10 by the final whistle.

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Rest easy, your esteemed colleagues at The Occasionally are here to spot you.

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HUMOR: “This year, there have been at least four deaths [from gender reveal parties] so far, putting them on par with shark attacks in terms of risk of death.” -James Felton, iflscience.com.

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HUMOR: Though I was highly motivated to teach, I think I just overcommitted this quarter and will be going to seek further support.

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We get it, Stanford, you like to go the extra mile, but the full-length article, screenshots, quotations and details about the software involved were a bit excessive.

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HUMOR: After penning hits such as “Across the Flat Earth in 40 Days” and “What to Expect when you’re Expecting your Election to be Stolen," I am here to provide conclusive evidence on the greatest issue of our time.

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SATIRE: “No one is more aware than me that there’s so much hurt around us, and I wish there was something I could do to make it better. It really makes you feel powerless.”

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