Duo acquires Duolingo, expanding on update

Humor by Uche Ochuba
Jan. 10, 2022, 8:09 p.m.

The login-verification app Duo completed its acquisition of language-learning app Duolingo and its underlying assets for $62.13 this week.

“We came to a price that both parties could agree to after analyzing the true value that Duolingo is able to deliver to its users,” a spokesperson of Duo told The Daily. “[Duolingo] marked 10 years of operation in November, and in that time they have managed to help two users reach their language goals. Clearly, they are doing something right, and we believe that their philosophy of creating a product fits right in at Duo.”

Duo plans on using elements from Duolingo to expand on its recent update.

“We have always prided ourselves on our visionary mission and potential to create life-changing technologies. We started from the drawing board — what is a security system? It is meant to keep bad people out. This is fine, but think like Steve Jobs for a minute. The world’s greatest security system would keep everyone out,” the Duo spokesperson, Stan Jones, continued.

“Because our current system isn’t finicky enough, we are going to ask every student to answer a Duolingo question in a language they have never seen before to log into their university account. It’s all part of our plan to reach zero annual logins.”

The Daily reached out to students for their reaction.

“I once received a Duo attempt that told me my verification code was buried at the bottom of Lake Lag, valid for five minutes,” a sophomore said in an interview. “I don’t think this will be that different.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Uche Ochuba '24 is the former desk editor for humor and a contributing writer in the sports section.

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