$4.5 billion of money-laundered Bitcoin released upon explanation

Humor by Uche Ochuba
Feb. 16, 2022, 9:18 p.m.

According to the U.S. Department of Justice, “Two individuals were arrested [last Tuesday] morning in Manhattan for an alleged conspiracy to launder cryptocurrency that was stolen during the 2016 hack of Bitfinex … presently valued at approximately $4.5 billion. Thus far, law enforcement has seized over $3.6 billion in cryptocurrency linked to that hack.”

The two alleged perpetrators, however, were released and had their names cleared after explaining to the police that they were not, in fact, engaging in a money-laundering pyramid scheme. “There’s just a lot of people at the bottom and a few at the top,” they said.

The Daily sat down for an exclusive interview with Morgan, who executed the scheme with her husband.

Morgan (M): “Basically, we executed a system that can be best understood as us being at the top, with some more people below us on the next level. And then they all told their friends about the great opportunity that we were offering.”

M: “So as you might guess, you end up with a lot of people at the bottom. But they just needed to try harder and get more people below them, and then this opportunity could have worked for them as well.”

M: “We would have needed to involve the entire population of the Earth to sustain the system by the ninth level, you say? Okay. That’s your opinion. You’re entitled to that.”

M: “So I told them, as you can see, our implementation can be best understood as a three-dimensional triangular system.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Uche Ochuba '24 is the desk editor for humor and a contributing writer in the sports section. Contact him at humor 'at' stanforddaily.com.

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