Op-ed: Hacking, not a very funny April Fool’s prank

Humor by Uche Ochuba
April 7, 2021, 8:47 p.m.

I, like many of you, was quite concerned when I received an email on April 1 that discussed the hacking of a School of Medicine database exposing social security numbers and student data. I am of the opinion that this was not a great April Fool’s Day prank and I would like to outline why in three points.

  1. Overwhelming Anxiety

Upon reading the email, I am sure I am not alone in saying that I was highly apprehensive. First, I gave the email preview a good read. Then, I stared at the “READ THE FULL ARTICLE” link for a good 400 seconds in nervous distress, frantically trying to decide whether or not to click. I was sure that I would be redirected to a prank webpage where confetti would cover the screen along with other pleasantries, assuring me that I had just been owned. However, this was not the case.

  1. Details

Upon clicking the link, I was redirected to an article that was eerily realistic, as if a hack had actually occurred. We get it, Stanford, you like to go the extra mile, but the full-length article, screenshots, quotations, and details about the software involved were a bit excessive. Next time, I would like to suggest redirecting to a dank meme compilation, or naturally, here. Furthermore, referencing a real file transfer service, Accellion, as well as going out of your way to write articles claiming that adjacent hacks took place at Shell, University of California Berkeley, Los Angeles, Davis, the University of Colorado and the University of Miami was all but beyond the pale.

  1. Duration

When I first read the article, it said that it was a “breaking story and would be updated when new information was made available.” This was completely over the top, as the prank could have been made obvious at the bottom of the page. A week later, we have still not been let in on the joke. I hope that putting our minds at ease is currently a task of the highest priority and that my suggestions will be taken into account for next year’s prank.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Uche Ochuba '24 is the former desk editor for humor and a contributing writer in the sports section.

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