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New Stanford alcohol policy requires reporting underage drinking, punishing witchcraft and quartering troops

Humor by and

Although undergraduates are back to campus, not everything is back to normal at Stanford. Students have to complete weekly tests for SARS-CoV-2, limit in-person gatherings and even wear pants to class. Moreover, a new campus alcohol policy requires reporting underage drinking, punishing witchcraft, quartering troops and other antiquated practices.

For many, the new regulations are a cause for complaint, especially in EVGR-A.

“It was one thing when my RAs said that I couldn’t take shots in the lounges anymore, but that’s nothing compared to G.I. Joe in my room,” said a disgruntled junior. “It’s not like the triples weren’t crowded enough already.”

“My guy is always eating my food and calling me weak”, exclaimed another. “I get it! I wouldn’t last a day in boot camp! Now get away from my goldfish!”

However, other students feel the new rules aren’t all that bad: “I already feel crushed by my course load,” said a chemistry-physics double major accused of witchcraft for owning magnets. “I imagine being literally crushed under boulders will not be all that different.” 

Meanwhile, in Crothers, students are required to challenge each other to honor duels whenever a conflict arises. To date, hundreds of residents have garnered serious injuries over busy bathroom stalls, loud music and cut dining-hall lines. Unfortunately, two duels with grisly, fatal outcomes ensued, the first when a student didn’t hold the door for another, and the second when a student forced someone to awkwardly jog up to the door when said door-holding began too early.

Interestingly, despite pushback from the student body, the recent bill has been one of the more progressive items on the administration’s docket. We are yet to see how students will respond to the pound of flesh punishment, eye for an eye and creative expression cave drawing requirements.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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Humor Managing Editor and All-Time Humblest Writer at The Daily
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Uche Ochuba '24 is the desk editor for humor and a contributing writer in the sports section. Contact him at humor 'at' stanforddaily.com.