10 New Year’s resolutions to give up on this week

Jan. 2, 2022, 7:08 p.m.

Yay! It’s the New Year, the time that marks when dads can no longer say “see ya next year!” However, it’s not all positive, as all of your friends and family constantly hound you for a New Year’s resolution. Here are some resolutions you can tell them to keep them off your back!

  1. Get taller

If athletes and actors are doing it in their 50s completely naturally, then I should be able to, too!

  1. Leave campus at least once a month

Maybe I’ll study abroad or go backpacking somewhere exotic like GovCo.

  1. Eat breakfast at least once

This will force me to wake up early enough to not skip all of my classes at least one day this quarter!

  1.  Get into a fulfilling relationship

There’s no way putting myself on a timer could ever hurt me!

  1. Enroll in less than 20 units

I have no need to take more units than my friends to feel superior to them… I will be satisfied feeling superior to them because I’ll be taller than them.

  1. Take one non-STEM class

Maybe I’ll do that chemistry IntroSem about science in the news. Does that count?

  1. Go to the gym and not immediately turn back once realizing there are other people there

Baby steps… one day I’ll make it past the locker room.

  1. Start a problem set more than 24 hours before the deadline

And if I start at least 48 hours before, maybe I can think about sleeping!

  1. Resist the urge to switch to CS

I will simply minor and take several additional advanced electives.

  1. Have the confidence to use the bathroom while someone else is in there

I’m talking about the communal bathrooms, you creep.

Om Jahagirdar is the Humor Managing Editor and All-Time Humblest Writer at The Daily. Contact him omjahagirdar 'at' stanforddaily.com.Contact Ben at humor 'at' stanforddaily.com.Uche Ochuba '24 is the desk editor for humor and a contributing writer in the sports section. Contact him at humor 'at' stanforddaily.com.

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