93% of FTX crypto value, Berkeley FTX Stadium disappear

Humor by Uche Ochuba
Nov. 15, 2022, 10:51 p.m.

Over the past two weeks, the world of cryptocurrency has been in a crisis as the value of many major tokens, most notably the popular FTX token, has entered freefall. The price of the token has fallen almost 93% since late October.

The Stanford football team is set to play Cal in the Berkeley stadium named after the FTX cryptocurrency exchange, although it is unclear how the game will now continue. 93% of the seats and field in the stadium seem to have spontaneously disappeared.

“The seats are now in the public ledger.” Berkeley student Omar Rodriguez told The Daily. “This means they are now anonymized and untraceable by any entity, state or otherwise.”

“I think this will ultimately be a good thing for the game, and the experience we are able to provide viewers.” said FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried. “Users will now be able to upload their consciousness directly to the blockchain and watch all those sweet, sweet tackles as 1s and 0s changing on their screen.”

“I think that this could lead to more exciting offense, as a 7-yard field will surely lead to more touchdowns.” said Stanford student Jacques Mayers.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Uche Ochuba '24 is the former desk editor for humor and a contributing writer in the sports section.

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